so then we work and work and work,
and for me i paint_ i paint_ i paint,
and more recently I have had a couple of shows,
therefore, I have been working extra mad.
so then
what?
comes from this.
you see now i am just in the wondering about it all phases.
i wonder about your experience after shows,
i think i might just lock myself in the closet for three years.
to me i think the best part of any show ___ is making the show,
then
after the show you have to just do nothing.
and now when i see the work i think it might be better of floating down the nearest river.
i am wondering to you.
and to all of you_
what are the up's and down of your work?
do you always love your work?
when are you most close to your work?
how does it feel when you stand in a room full of people looking at your work?
what does it mean if you sell your work?
what does it mean if you do not sell your work?
it order for me to ask these questions , i feel I should give you a little insight to the answers i have come upon.
first of all.
I hate showing my work, and when I am showing it, it is when i hate the work the most.
I love the work the most when it is in my studio.
just me and the work. then when it leaves, I feel I no longer have any connection with it.
sometimes people will say..
"i love your paintings"
and I am like ___ "paintings what paintings?"
as in I almost forget that they are mine hanging upon the walls.
.
anyway ___ is it work?
and why work?
you see too I have been thinking in the last months.
...
about the whole artist thing at all.
i suppose for about 7 years i was so driven by it.....
to make it
to show it
to sell it
and now i am just thinking ,
what the F *#K.
>
artist.
ugh.
could this just be the come down after a show.
I was told last week by some one I really trust,
that one could not be faking "being a painter"
if one loved it so much and lost track of time while doing it.
you see,
i work say 60 hours per week in my studio,
and i must say it might border on an obsession.
then
you
take
your
labor
of
loves
and put them into a public space and then you are left with nothing to work on.
it is like a big wave of water drying up mid-stream.
....
maybe it is like any other job...
and
then
you
nearly
collapse
after
months
and months
of work.
well the last thing i would like to say.
___the last thing I would like to wonder...
is this
do you feel that you have already moved past your "newest" work when it it finished.
in that_
you feel that you will make better and different works__whist you have the newest and freshest works right in front of you?
Just Curious KEllie
4 comments:
Hey Kellie, I do not always love my work. I feel closest to it while working, and immediately after its completion. It doesn't bother me to have a room full of people studying or admiring my work, but then I don't spend much time thinking about it. I'm glad to sell a piece, but I rarely do, so I don't think about that very much anymore. After a show, I often feel a let down. Eventually, the feeling goes away. Probably more often than not because I become interested in something else, a new idea, another series, etc., or maybe simply because enough time goes by and I get distracted. Sometimes, while working on a new series, or while finishing up a new painting, I get new ideas and immediately begin to get anxious about pursuing the new idea, believing that the work stemming from the new idea will be superior to the "new" work in front of me. Sometimes I stay in love with a certain piece, or a certain series; sometimes I fall out of love hard with a piece, or a series. The latter works usually get painted over, destroyed or thrown away. I've destroyed a lot of paintings. I don't feel bad about this. I don't keep rough drafts of my poems or other writings, either. During some periods, I work daily, or at least weekly; during other periods, I might not paint for several months. During these periods when I am not painting, I am usually writing or doing a lot of reading. So, generally, I am always working, as I consider the painting, writing and reading to be part of the same process. Why do I do it--paint, write, read--I'm not sure. It's fun. It's challenging. It helps me see my life more clearly. It helps me cope with life in general. It's hard work, so it gives me a sense of accomplishment. It provides an escape. I learn. I can't help it. I'm not sure. After grappling with that question for quite a while, I've kind of just let it go. I don't really feel the need to figure this out anymore. And I can envision a time when I don't paint, no longer have a relationship with painting, but I don't know for sure if that will ever really happen. Part of me hopes not; part of me isn't worried.
nice questions...
lately i've been in the mode where i'm not thinking too much about art or anything like that...just making it as much as i can. i love the andy warhol quote (paraphrasing)"make art and let other people think about it. then while they're thinking about it, make more art."
when i see my show all hung up it's never as cool as i thought it would look...just like anything in life...so i usually just shrug it off and keep working hard to make more and hopefully better paintings. when people look at it all hung up...just depends on the people. at the last bright rain show i just thought "please buy my art cause i have no room to store it."
working 60hrs a week is pretty crazy...i try to get 8 hrs a day when i'm not at my job...hahaha that's 56...but usually there's always a day or two when i can only get in like 2 hrs...i never want to exhaust myself cause i feel the work really suffers...so video games, a few friends and alcohol are great for that...
i always feel a little bad when i sell paintings...like i'm suckering people out or they're suckering me haha. like...i'm selling you something that i don't really want, that i really enjoyed making...it's like getting money for nothing...but then at the same time...i spent money and tons of time to make it and now i'm selling it so cheap. and i usually sell my shit as cheap as possible...since i keep pictures of all my stuff and have NO room for any of it i rarely miss having a painting or two around...
i hate the word "artist" and "art" and blah blah blah and sometimes i hate other artists that aren't my friends you know? like they look and sound so phony and that's just what i look like probably too! hahaha like you really can only hate things you see in yourself...i'm at the point in my life where i'm really driven to make and sell art i think... and now i'm gonna apply for an MFA program but i know that after that i'll have a totally different outlook
i like to fantasize about other passions i could have taken up in life like i could have been a bank robber, or a war journalist, or a private detective or anything like that but i just guess this is what we're hard wired to do and ever since we were kids we got encouraged to do it and now there's no looking back so we just gotta "go big or go home." (haha that's me and annie's expression for the summer)...so i guess when i think "art, blegh" i just don't think of it as "art" it's just something i do and i put on an audio book and just do it and i don't think about it....
and your last question about making newer and better works...after every painting or two i feel i have moved past it and every new painting i start i hope that i have learned new things and that it will be the best thing i have ever done...of course that's rarely the case but it motivates me to keep going...having the new stuff right in my "studio" helps sometimes cause i can learn from the mistakes, repeat the successes...
i worry about this stuff all the time and torture myself about it.
i like my work best when i'm working on it or just finished with it. sometimes i really like a piece for a long time, but i eventually like it less.
i hate showing my work and feel super anxious at openings. i feel like a failure when i don't sell work because i want to feel like i am contributing to society, and if people don't like it, then i feel like it wasn't worth showing.
i do feel the urge to make stuff though. so i don't know if i should just not show work or what? lately i've been feeling like there is enough "stuff" in the world and i don't want to make more "stuff."
i think i'm in a reading and running phase. it sounds like i have phases like tim. right now, the most inspiring and passionate thing i do is run. also, i have been reading a ton. sometimes i think this means i must not be an artist since i go through these periods of not making anything and i start to think about other ways to spend my time and make money. lately i've been thinking about massage school, since i like to read medical and anatomy themed books. but then, i'm like it seems that things have fallen into place in my life in a way that points to making art.
newer and better...
i think that since my series have so far been so different from one another, i have some older ones that i still really like, but have no interest in keeping up. so i look forward to newer and different, and hopefully better.
i think that it may be natural for some people to have many careers over their life time. i mean, if we keep changing as humans why wouldn't our vocation change too? like tim, i can see periods of time in my future when painting takes a backseat to other interests.
i try to not worry about it so much like tim and bradner, but it's a hard habit for me to break.
i definitely go through seasons.
seasons of suck and seasons of juice.
but im more and more conscious of striking a balance in my time and timeoff.
inspriation will build and (like yesterday) ill fall flat, the art will be uninspired. i realize the need to keep my body happy. so i napped, and let go of my failure to express myself as i wanted.
there is a weird tendency of mine to really like and love what im working on then look at it later asking "what was i thinking?"
it sounds like it happens to all of us.
being around your art and people is always a challenge. with a little self esteem and a deep breath i get through it. when we first opened the gallery, it felt like an open wound if people didnt even see the work, but almost 2 years later, i am detached from what anyone thinks. that took pain and being in the situation over and over. i realize my art is not for everybody.
maybe like 3-10% of my customers.
but its tough to be centered. because you want people to like it/you. and you want them to feel better.
on the other hand, working the gallery, you see how much art impacts people. i didnt have that perspective when i was just in the studio. like homes across the globe have your work in em', people see them every day...
and pay enough to have them in their houses. i think thats something to keep in mind as a recluse artist.
im always thinking about outdoing myself, easier thought than done. i attribute that to the patterns of success and failure that are a force that keep me kindof static... if i do something "right" im trying to do that again...
there is probably some good to that
but it pulls you ...
i try to look at my failures as a necessary step.like a bruce lee quote im trying to find
when i step back i consider it a step forward...
or something like that
haha
so my work needs a shitty period to become great again
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